-:My Catharsis Part II:-

2006-12-05T22:48:00.000+08:00

Ok, it's official. Start changing your links, people.

I think I'm kinda liking my current simple layout on LJ. It's very...simple.

Yeah ok bye.

2006-11-30T16:49:00.000+08:00

Visit my LJ sometime.

I like the music here. Hm.

2006-11-24T21:51:00.000+08:00

My shoulders are light and my heart feels heavy.
But my eyes are open and now I can breathe.
And I won't be away too long.
I'll paint us in green and blue
and I hope this time the colours won't run.
You fixed my world and we almost ruined it together.

I'm afraid.
And|That I may be making the best mistake of my life.

2006-11-24T15:26:00.000+08:00

I'm probably being a disloyal jerk for saying this on my blog, but...

I've been posting alot on LJ. It feels so liberating.

Although it doesn't have shortcuts for codes for italic and bold text like this does.

Rebirth

2006-11-23T11:15:00.000+08:00

Each night, I feel the distance that has grown between us open up as lonely as the space between the stars. I wish that I could find a way to smash my fist right through these walls of ugliness and emptiness and gently touch your face. But every time that I touch you, you feel so far away. And every time that you need me, I feel so far away. -- Stabbing Westward

---

If it happens, I'm going to move on in a different direction. It would take me further away, but it would be just about time.

2006-11-22T12:04:00.000+08:00

Empty faces rushing by
No time to stop and smile
The flashing lights
The dizzy heights
Would make you run a mile

Homeward...

The ups and downs and round-abouts
Where are they leading to
The in-betweens and silly doubts
How do we make it through

Homeward
Heading homeward
Oh tell me what becomes of us

Thinking it'd be better if
Never happy with what else
Something more something new
Would make it all okay

Homeward...

As time goes by we learn so much
But still feel so alone
Waiting for the answers
For someone to drive us home

Homeward
Heading homeward
Oh tell me what becomes of us

-- What Becomes Of Us, Cinephile

Agent Pee is Ze Artist

2006-11-15T13:38:00.000+08:00

hahaha now i'm addicted to the hero machine too!

here i present ze greatest hero of all, the man that would strike sheer terror into the hearts of his nemesis!

hang on to your hats, sisters!

2006-11-10T16:33:00.000+08:00

"Please don't hint that you're capable of lies".

Here's what I say.

Everyone is capable.
All I need to know is that you can but you wouldn't.

I can, but I wouldn't.

Fruitcake Lady

2006-11-10T15:00:00.000+08:00

Oh man, I'm so sad she died. Wish I had cable and watched TV more often. CABLE!!! GAH. RIP, grandma.

Check out the NBC site for more videos.

2006-11-09T12:34:00.000+08:00

I'm so sorry dear.

---

I was doing up the page for Eragon, and this was what I ended up coming up with.
Such a bloody fantasy fangirl.

Knight in Shining Armour. Haha!

2006-11-08T17:47:00.000+08:00

Am I the only one who thinks that the lead singer of Panic At The Disco sounds like Ricky Martin in their song 'I Write Sins Not Tragedies'? Blasphemy aside, seriously.

2006-11-08T11:46:00.000+08:00

Presenting, the full-sized version of Red! [That's my fictional X-Men character for you people who don't read my writing site.] This program is a dream to people like moi who have wild imaginations yet can't draw to save their lives!

Click for larger picture.
Bio
Alias: Red
Real name: Lyn
Race: Human
Height: 5"2 [I only make up short characters because I think they should be given more credit! Ha! Lol.]
Weight: 106 lbs
Eye Colour: Black
Hair Colour: Dyed red [Natural colour black]
Occupation: Does mostly off-the-field work for the X-Men. Also does research for them and infiltrates areas that are cordoned off from mutants.
Backgrounder: Her childhood best friend Kaila [a mutant who later called herself by the alias 'Kay' and worked for Magneto] was ostracised by their town and its media when they discovered what she was, and Kaila's family eventually moved away. Cut off from Kaila completely by her parents, Lyn ran away from home at 15 when she finally couldn't bear the hatred and prejudice that existed in the hearts of the townsfolk and her parents against mutants. Along the way she crossed paths with Pyro, became accidentally involved in Magneto's plan, and ended up joining the X-Men.

Powers
No super powers. However, learned skills such as hand-to-hand combat and weapons-handling from the X-Men . Also an excellent hacker, linguist and code-breaker.

Abilities
Intelligence: 9
Strength: 6
Speed: 7
Durability: 5
Energy protection: 0
Fighting skills: 7

Check it outtt.

2006-11-07T17:24:00.000+08:00

[Thanks Kak Min!]

Click for larger picture.
Make your own Superhero.

Bio
Alias: Danshique
Real name: Unknown
Race: Allegedly Half-Human, mix Unknown
Height: 5"3
Weight: 110 lbs
Eye Colour: Violet
Hair Colour: Violet with red streaks
Occupation: Assasin, Mercenary fighter

Powers
A master swordfighter, she possesses superhuman reflexes, agility and a heightened sense of hearing; the ability to create illusions and to glide over short distances using her small, bat-like wings; a sixth sense that gives her glimpses of the short-term future; and ninja stealth and intuition. Has a leopard familiar who guards and defends her in battle.

Abilities
Intelligence: 9
Strength: 7
Speed: 9
Durability: 8
Energy protection: 8
Fighting skills: 9

---

Macam real only ah, me.

2006-11-06T17:46:00.000+08:00

Sans cryptic messages.

Hahahahahahaha.

2006-11-04T11:13:00.000+08:00

I know it's not a funny thing.
Today is not a funny day.
Not until we get over it.

Not so sure what happened last night. Sorry to say so, but I saw it coming from a mile away. Deardeardear. It's easy to get preoccupied, it's harder to remember.

It's easy to blame, it's harder to accept responsibility.

Not so sure what's happening now. Finding my individuality is creating a space between us. Immersing myself makes me lose my independence and my foresight. We need to want the same thing for ourselves and each other.

We need to be where we used to be and share both our worlds.

ROFL

2006-11-03T12:33:00.000+08:00

Holy shit, this place has some pretty hilarious stuff. Here are some of my faves. Enjoy! =D

2006-11-01T14:01:00.000+08:00

It's been days since I've actually gone out for lunch. I'd rather stay here and have my thoughts accompany me. It's the hour when I actually feel like myself, alone in the office and finally being able to blast my kind of music while my colleagues aren't around. Bliss.

I'm afraid that I've forgotten about my music. I don't feel the same anymore whenever I'm participating in jam sessions. Sometimes it's as if I'm not even there. I'm locked away somewhere else inside of me. With life, work, worries. I can't get away from it all even when I am away.

Maybe I need a shot of coke. Or maybe weed...

Weed's good.

[Am I trying to get myself arrested or what.]

Krrish

2006-10-31T14:21:00.000+08:00

Ok, apparently this movie came out some time ago but I so didn't know about it [featuring our Superhero, the ever-so-handsome Hrithik Roshan! Well not really. Not to me, anyways. Too buff for my taste]. Recognise the locations, anyone?

Which leads to me say...But WHY, of all places?? 0_o

Click here to find out. [Read the part about the Film in Singapore! Scheme].

2006-10-31T13:01:00.000+08:00

~~God bless me with a string of satisfyingly bad breakups.~~

I find that lately there has been an increase in the cases of girls breaking up with nice, good, loyal guys in pursuit of jaded, slimy, bad boys who really couldn't care less about them.

Please do not go down that path, women. Short-term fun and infatuation quickly burn out, and self-remedies afterwards spiral you downwards.

2006-10-31T11:43:00.000+08:00

There's a kind of comfort in monotony, in knowing exactly what to expect all of the time. It's like a warm safety net of assurance, albeit deluded. Which makes me wonder- does happiness really get boring after awhile, when there is no more fear or sadness or rage to contrast with it?

Is that why people wage wars when there's no more reason to fight?

2006-10-25T16:23:00.000+08:00

Crashboombang. Let's end with a kick-punch-double-whammy-snake-bite-helicopter-drill-swan-dive.

I'm so bored that I've decided to write a story, for the next 2 hours until I can leave.

What shall we make it? A murder-mystery, fantasy, romance, adventure or comedy tale?

I hear someone say "all of it". Ok so let's start [shh...]

---

And then I decided not to blog it because once I do I'll lose the steam to finish it and if I don't finish it and I've blogged about it already, people will ask me about it and then I'll realise that I'm in a minddump and can't think of how to continue and I don't want that. So that's why.

2006-10-25T15:42:00.000+08:00

Gee. There's absolutely nothing to do in the office today. I'd ask for more work but even my supervisor's occupying her time by er...I'm probably not supposed to blog that [DAMN YOU MEDIA PEOPLE YOU HAVE MADE ME CENSOR MYSELF SO MUCH THIS IS PROBABLY WHY I CAN'T BLOG IN PEACE ANYMORE]. But I think this occurs quite commonly in offices.

I'M BORED. Never will I get an office job. I'd just die of boredom. If I were to look for games right now, I'd probably get so way-sided that I wouldn't be able to get back to work afterwards [that is, if any comes in].

Bored.
BoredBored.
BoredBoredBored.
BoredBoredBoredBored.
BoredBoredBoredBoredBored.
BoredBoredBoredBoredBoredBored.
BoredBoredBoredBoredBoredBoredBored.
BoredBoredBoredBoredBoredBored.
BoredBoredBoredBoredBored.
BoredBoredBoredBored.
BoredBoredBored.
BoredBored.
Bored.

Shitballs. My brain feels like a soggy old sponge.

2006-10-25T15:11:00.000+08:00

Man, this MyHeritage.com thing is damn funny. Got it off Ness.

Apparently I have a resemblance to Billy Bob Thornton and Adam Sandler.

And this one, this one's an ego-booster. Hyuk hyuk hyuk.

Lardeedaadeedahh.

2006-10-25T13:07:00.000+08:00

Off-beat pictures!

Just wanna say that I'm so in love with the song playing on my blog currently. Soothingsweetgeez.

2006-10-22T04:57:00.000+08:00

All I do is sleep all day, and think of you
A memory of the cushioned life I'm clinging to
The image of a mutual one, our haven
The sombre chords of our song, the fading

Love is no big truth
Driven by our genes, we are simple selfish beings
A symphony that's you
Joyously awaking the ignorant and sleeping

Passion and its brother hate, they come and go
Could easily be made to stay for longer though
Many people play this game so willingly
Do I have to be like them, or be lonely?

Love is no big truth
Driven by our genes, we are simple selfish beings
A symphony that's you
Joyously awaking the ignorant and sleeping

Another view of what there's to it
Getting me through it

I'll never need it again, not again, not again...

-- Love Is No Big truth, The Kings of Convenience

Game

2006-10-20T13:43:00.000+08:00

The Social Exchange theory sounds like an Accounting system. Sometimes we all wonder why smart people can be so stupid.

"Social exchange theory posits that all human relationships are formed by the use of a subjective cost-benefit analysis and the comparison of alternatives.

For social exchange theorists, when the costs and benefits are equal in a relationship, then that relationship is defined as equitable. The notion of equity is a core part of social exchange theory."

A relationship is not a business, love is not a transaction, a life lost is not equal to bankruptcy. Although...if only it could be as easy. If only everything could be weighed and measured and substantiated into profits and losses and net gain- life and human interactions would be so much easier to comprehend and manage. Then situations where people stay on out of love with spouses who abuse them wouldn't exist. Then there would be no exceptions in court. Then no one would feel unappreciated.

~~But that would mean then that no one would truly live, or love. Because love is sacrifice. And life is both misery and joy.~~

2006-10-17T12:27:00.000+08:00

Oh crap. Need a reschedule:

Today after work- Meet PW! [Nessi's thingamajig has been postponed till further notice]
Tomorrow after work- Meet Man!
Thursday after work- Jamming!
Friday after work- Gig!

When am I going to finish cleaning up my room, aye. Over the weekend? =\

2006-10-17T12:00:00.000+08:00

Is it just me or is everyone in a bad bad mood today.

Woke up today to my dad nagging about the state of my room again, and didn't I have any shame that my stepmom actually had to go out of her way to clear up some yesterday? For Flipper's sake, I'd only just cleared out a small island's worth of rubbish from it only 2 days ago. I had to stop because I couldn't finish in time for an appointment. I'll finish it up today after work. Geez.

Later was on the way to work in my killer heels [well they're not that killer as compared to some other killer heels that I know of but I think they're hard enough to walk in as they are]. Took the train. Had to stand because it was during regular morning peak hours. Train lurched. Stepped back. Well stomped, more like. And this guy who was sitting on the seat behind me suddenly yelped out loud, like a puppy who'd just gotten kicked in the nuts. Apparently my heel had stabbed onto his foot. When I turned around all flustered and red-faced he was pressing down on the front of his shoe really hard to massage his poor toes and he looked just about ready to murder someone- me [btw, right about then everyone else in the train had taken the opportunity to stare at this minor spectacle]. Well what could I do? I just kept spluttering over and over, "I'm soooo SO sorry". I think I said it about three times before the sound registered in his brian [must be from all the pain clouding his senses] and he looked up at me and nodded. Managed a weak smile. I spent the rest of the train ride clinging tight onto one of those damn metal poles to make sure I didn't squish anyone else's toes [and woe behold if they weren't wearing covered shoes too].

Then when I reached the office I almost splayed myself spread-eagled onto the ground when one of my heels slided off along a slippery floor. From that moment on, I just had this twisted gut-feeling that today wasn't going to be a very good day.

Maybe it's just me. Or maybe it's just my damn heels.

2006-10-14T10:12:00.000+08:00

Ok, here's some crap I got off Friendster but I had fun reading. If you'd like to waste some minutes of your life like I did, check out your month and see if you agree.

---

JANUARY TALKER
Loves to chat. Loves those who love them. Loves to take things at the center. Inner and physical beauty. Lies but doesn't pretend. Gets angry often. Treats friends importantly. Brave and fearless. Always making friends. Easily hurt but recovers easily. Daydreamer. Opinionated. Does not care to control emotions. Unpredictable. Extremely smart.

FEBRUARY SMARTS
Abstract thoughts. Loves reality and abstract. Intelligent and clever. Changing personality. Attractive. Sexiest out of everyone. A real speed demon [Hoo hoo! I've only ever had a bike but already almost run down a couple of people. Maybe I shouldn't ever get a license...=S]. Has more than one best friend [Welll...]. Temperamental. Quiet, shy and humble. Honest and loyal. Determined to reach goals. Loves freedom. Rebellious when restricted. Loves aggressiveness [True. I like it when people fight for their rights.]. Too sensitive and easily hurt. Gets angry really easily but does not show it. Dislikes unnecessary things [Shila gets peeved at me for this because then I borrow the "unnecessary" things that she buys, harhar]. Loves making friends but rarely shows it. Daring and stubborn. Ambitious. Realizing dreams and hopes. Sharp. Loves entertainment and leisure. Romantic on the inside not outside. Superstitious and ludicrous. Spendthrift [Food & entertainment!]. Tries to learn to show emotions.

MARCH CUTIE
Suave and compromising. Funny and humorous. Stubborn. Very talkative. Calm and cool. Kind and sympathetic. Concerned and detailed. Loyal. Does work well with others. Very confident. Sensitive. Positive Attitude. Thinking generous. Good memory. Clever and knowledgeable. Loves to look for information. Able to cheer everyone up and/or make them laugh. Able to motivate oneself and others. Understanding. Fun to be around. Outgoing. Hyper. Bubbly personality. Secretive. Boy/girl crazy [Tsk tsk Zul...no wonder. ;D]. Loves sports, music, leisure and travelling. Systematic. Hot and has brains.

APRIL GORGEOUS
Drop dead gorgeous!!! Attractive personality. Very!sexy. Affectionate & Secretive. Naturally honest, generous and sympathetic. Chatterbox! Loves to talk alot! Loves to get their way! Unbelievable kisser! Easily angered. Very stubborn in the most way possible! Loves to get noticed! Willing to take risks for others. Makes good choices. Has a great fashion sense! Maybe a little too popular with others *wink wink*. Outgoing and crazy at times! Intelligent. Can sometimes be a heartbreaker! Can love as much as possible! Hates insults. Loves compliments! Just one of the clumsiest people you will ever meet. A very big flirt! Trustworthy. Appreciative and returns kindness. The best in bed out of these months!! Hardly shows emotions. Tends to bottle up feelings. Observant and assesses others.

MAY FREAK
Stubborn and hard-hearted. Strong-willed and highly motivated. Sharp thoughts. Easily angered. Attracts others and loves attention. Deep feelings. Beautiful physically and mentally. Firm Standpoint. Needs no motivation. Shy towards opposite sex. Easily consoled. Systematic (left brain). Loves to dream. Strong clairvoyance. Understanding. Sickness usually in the ear and neck. Good imagination. Good physical. Weak breathing. Loves literature and the arts. Loves travelling. Dislike being at home. Restless. Having many children. Hardworking. High spirited.

JUNE SHYNESS
Fun to be with. Loves to try new things. Boy/girls LOVE you. You are very hott. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and to be understood. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Takes pride in oneself. Has reputation. Easily consoled. Honest. Concerned about people's feelings. Tactful. Friendly. Approachable. Emotional temperamental and unpredictable. Moody and easily hurt. Witty and sparkly. Spazzy at times. Not revengeful. Forgiving but never forgets. Dislikes nonsensical and unnecessary things. Guides others physically and mentally. Sensitive and forms impressions carefully. Caring and loving. Treats others equally. Strong sense of sympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges people through observations. Hardworking. No difficulties in studying. Loves to be alone. Always broods about the past and the old friends. Waits for friends. Never looks for friends. Not aggressive unless provoked. Loves to be loved. Easily hurt but takes long to recover.

JULY FLIRT
You've got the best personality and are an absolute pleasure to be around. You love to make new friends and be outgoing. You are a great flirt and more than likely have a very attractive partner. A wicked hottie. Like somebody with August birthday. It is also more than likely that you have a massive record collection. You have a great choice in films, and may one day become a famous actor/actress yourself -heck, you've got the looks for it!!!

AUGUST ATTITUDE
Outgoing personality. Takes risks. Feeds on attention. No self control. Kind hearted. Self confident. Loud and boisterous. VERY revengeful. Easy to get along with and talk to. Has an "everything's peachy" attitude. Likes talking and singing. Loves music. Daydreamer. Easily distracted. Hates not being trusted. BIG imagination. Loves to be loved. Hates studying. In need of "that someone". Longs for freedom. Rebellious when withheld or restricted. Lives by "no pain no gain". Caring. Always a suspect. Playful. Mysterious. "Charming" or "beautiful" to everyone. Stubborn. Curious. Independent. Strong willed. A fighter.

SEPTEMBER LOVER
Hella sexy, loves sex n makin luv, tends to be SOOOOO hott!! Active and dynamic. Decisive and haste but tends to regret. Attractive and affectionate to oneself. Strong mentality. Loves attention. Diplomatic. Consoling, friendly and solves people's problems. Brave and fearless. Adventurous. Loving and caring. Suave and generous. Usually you have many friends. Enjoys to make love. Emotional. Stubborn. Hasty. Good memory. Moving, motivates oneself and others. Loves to travel and explore. Sometimes sexy in a way that only their lover can understand. You are a great match with somebody in July.

OCTOBER BABE
Loves to chat. Loves those who love them. Loves to takes things at the centre. Great in bed. Inner and physical beauty. Doesn't pretend. Gets angry often. A meaningful love life partner. Makes right choices. Treats friends importantly. Brave and fearless. Always making friends. Does not harm others. It is all about love and fairness. Easily hurt but recovers easily. Daydreamer. Horny but does fullfill. Opinionated. Does not care to control emotions. Know what to do to have fun. Unpredictable. Someone to have close to you. Extremely smart, but definitely the hottest AND sexiest of them all.

NOVEMBER HOTTIE
Trustworthy and loyal. Very passionate and dangerous. Wild at times. Knows how to have fun. Sexy and mysterious. Everyone is drawn towards your inner and outer beauty and independent personality. Playful, but secretive. Very emotional and temperamental sometimes. Meets new people easily and very social in a group. Fearless and independent. Can hold their own. Stands out in a crowd. Essentially very smart. Usually, the greatest men are born in this month. If you ever begin a relationship with someone from this month, hold on to them because their one of a kind.

DECEMBER BEAUTY..
This straight-up means ur the most good-looking. Loyal and generous. Patriotic. Competitive in everything. Active in games and interactions. Impatient and hasty. Ambitious. Influential in organizations. Fun to be with. Easy to talk to, though hard to understand. Thinks far with vision, yet complicated to know. Easily influenced by kindness. Polite and soft-spoken. Having lots of ideas. Sensitive. Active mind. Hesitating, tends to delay. Choosy and always wants the best.

---

After reading them all, you realise that everyone is the Most something [sexy/smart/etc]. Well I told you it was crap didn't I.

2006-10-14T09:51:00.000+08:00

Clicky.

2006-10-13T15:13:00.000+08:00

Baby please come back. Baby please come back. Baby please come back. Baby please come back. Baby please come back. Baby please come back. Baby please come back. Baby please come back. Baby please come back. Baby please come back. Baby please come back. Baby please come back. Baby please come back. Baby please come back. Baby please come back. Baby please come back. Baby please come back. Baby please come back. Baby please come back. Baby please come back. Baby please come back. Baby please come back. Baby please come back. Baby please come back. Baby please come back. Baby please come back. Baby please come back. Baby please come back. Baby please come back. Baby please come back. Baby please come back. Baby please come back. Baby please come back. Baby please come back. Baby please come back. Baby please come back. Baby please come back. Baby please come back. Baby please come back. Baby please come back. Baby please come back. Baby please come back. Baby please come back. Baby please come back. Baby please come back. Baby please come back. Baby please come back. Baby please come back. Baby please come back. Baby please come back. Baby please come back. Baby please come back. Baby please come back. My heart screams sad songs.

2006-10-13T12:00:00.000+08:00

This one's for you.

---

Came back from a dream with a song stuck in my head
There will always be many things left unsaid
Even as you went we hung on to the seams
Broken lovers do it all the time when they can't leave

And it won't feel the same
And it doesn't feel the same
And it's just not the same anymore

We're just a bunch of kids building a castle in the clouds
Don't know if it'll hold us long enough to make you proud
And it's not easy working in this monsoon-summoned rain
And it gets harder holding on with dreamers every day

But we wouldn't want to change
Yeah we wish it'd stay the same
Though things are not the same anymore

Been staring at the wall in my office-covered shoes
They all chase me down but I've nothing left to prove
I don't talk much but I hit my quota every day
The guy across the room thinks I'm dull but I'm just

Wishing it was the same
Wondering why things have changed
But they're just not the same anymore

I used to take my time and write songs in my room
I used to feel alive and sing them all to you
But if I picked up my guitar and did those things again
I don't know how we'd live and how we'd buy our bread

And I haven't felt the same
I don't feel the same
I'm just not the same anymore

-- Untitled as of yet.

The Mad Aria of Lucy

2006-10-08T23:17:00.000+08:00

The aria sung by the Diva character has garnered a lot of attention [by being performed in The Fifth Element]. It was sung by Inva Mulla Tchako. The aria is "Il Dolce Suono" (aka "The Mad Aria of Lucy"), from Gaetano Donizetti's "Lucia di Lammermoor".

Il dolce suono (The sweet sound)
Mi colpi di sua voce!...Ah, quella voce (Of his voice I hear! That voice)
M'e qui nel cor discesa!... (So deeply embedded in my heart!...)
Edgardo! lo ti son reas; (Edgar! I'm yours again:)
Edgardo! Ah! Edgardo mio! (Edgar! Ah! My Edgar!)
Si, ti son resa! (Yes, I'm yours again!)
Fuggita io son da' tuoi nemici... (I've escaped from your enemies...)
Un gelo mi serpeggia nel sen!... (There's a chill in my bosom!...)
Trema ogni fibra!...Vacilla it pie!... (Every fibre trembles!...My foot's unsteady...)
Presso la fonte meco t'assidi alquanto... (Sit with me near the fountain.)
Si, presso la fonte meco t'assidi... (Yes, by the fountain thou'lt rest beside me.)

"The rest of the aria (not used in The 5th Element) has her seeing the ghost of the girl who was killed at the fountain, and Lucia refers to the fountain as their marriage alter and she acts as if she is happy her and Edgar are getting married there at the fountain (which of course is all going on in her mind, Edgar is not there for her breakdown)."

-- Source

2006-10-02T12:40:00.000+08:00

Do you think it's possible for your brain to devolve from lack of use?

I think so, eh. I think I've become duller. I rarely show signs of observing the world around me anymore, I've ceased to write anything laudable or relevant, and I haven't written a new song in eons.

Does that mean that I'm happy and satisfied? So happy and satisfied that there's no more angst in me and all of a sudden I have no more emotions to pour out into a medium?

Ok, that's the dumbest thing I've ever considered. I was only worrying about my future not long ago. Don't tell me now that I'm worried that I'm not worried over anything at all. Cuz that would just be crazy.

2006-10-02T10:55:00.000+08:00

This is the start of many lonely mornings, afternoons & evenings spent online blogging when I have no work left to do. I hope not too many though. Supervisors have left for screening till noon. I've completed all my tasks this morning. The AVID's broken, so there won't be any editing till it's fixed sometime this week.

There aren't any friends online. Am sad =(.

2006-09-28T11:35:00.000+08:00

Okay, and apparently the whole bikini thing was just a misunderstanding because he thought I'd bought one when I'd only bought a regular swimsuit.

2006-09-28T10:00:00.000+08:00

Hahahahaha. Admittedly, I was quite pissed off myself.

I don't get it that men want women to dress up for them provocatively, and yet they don't like it when the women dress provocatively of their own accord. Because then that would mean that she's trying to seek attention. From other men. Why is it that women dressing up for their boyfriends or husbands is alright, but dressing up for their own self-empowerment is wrong? Besides, there's no bloody difference when the outcome is the same!

Baffling. And bloody sexist too.

Agent Pee Replies to Bikini Bottom

2006-09-28T02:10:00.000+08:00

why is it that guys ALWAYS want us to wear bikinis? are they so comfortable as to parade their nearly-naked girlfriends for the whole world to see? do they not think we have our own modesty and decency? isn't it enough for them to see us naked in private, than unclothed in public?

do they want to show off to the world their girlfriends' cellulite, stretch marks, flabby tummy, embarrassing scars and what not? do they want other men leering at their girlfriends, or feeling sorry that they got someone so unfortunate-looking?

Random Prick: why won't you wear a bikini?
Me: no.
RP: oh come on, just for me?
Me: no.
RP: why not?
Me: i do not want to.
RP: are you ashamed of your body? (god i hate it when they use this slant)
Me: at any rate i have a better body than you.
RP: then why won't you wear a bikini?
Me: let me repeat. i. do. not. want. to.
RP: but you're gorgeous!
Me: when i say i don't want to i fucking mean it! DO YOU WANT ME TO TAKE THAT FUCKING BIKINI AND STUFF IT UP YOUR OBNOXIOUS ASSHOLE SO YOU'D TAKE DAYS TO SHIT IT OUT???
RP: geez you don't have to be so defensive, it's only a bikini!
Me: fine. i'll wear the bikini, and you wear the buttplug and the lace thong. let's go to the fucking beach.

well the above didn't actually happen, but similar incidents have occured and thanks to you, bringing this subject up have made me even more pissed than ever.

2006-09-27T16:18:00.000+08:00

"It's a good thing that I'm so unsure about my future. Looking from a positive perspective, I'm taking it easy and not pressurising myself too much. I get easily swayed by others who have already got their lives planned out neatly. That makes Life so freakin' predictable."

I'm so subscribing to Nessi's sage motto from now on. Am tired of worrying. I guess it's just been ingrained into me from a young age, especially by my Dad, to worry constantly about my future and the future of my family, and to know what I want to do with my life.

But right now, I refuse to suffer from any more migraines and anxiety attacks from worrying over something that I have practically no control over.

I'm gonna do what I like! *Hai-yak!*

2006-09-26T21:54:00.000+08:00

Okay, it's really not so bad.

Thank u <3.

2006-09-26T20:36:00.000+08:00

I suppose...I suppose it's hard not to be let down when you place high expectations on yourself.

It's still getting to me. My grades I mean. I suppose it's affecting me so much because I just don't understand why or how it happened. I'd worked my hardest, and my best, or so I'd thought. How had I managed to let some loose ends go unnoticed? How had I managed to be fooled into thinking that I'd done "pretty well this time, eh?".

I can't do anything or everything. It might seem that way, but the Jack of All Trades is really a Jackass. I don't want to be able to do anything or everything, only to fail at it all because I'm working on too many things at once. I want to be able to do something, just one thing, at the best of my ability, and be good at it.

[And be able to make money out of it?] Living is such a bother and such a thrill at the same time.

I have absolutely no idea what to do with my life. And for some reason it seems that this issue bothers me more than it does my peers.

The thing is, that I probably won't be able to go anywhere without working first after I graduate from poly. My grades ensure that. I won't get another opportunity to postpone my rite of passage [holding down a job]. And that scares the shit out of me. My dad wants me to start earning almost immediately to lighten his financial burden [he's already asking for me to employ a family maid], and at this point I don't even know if I want to hold a permanent job yet, or whether I'm ready to.

And what kind of job? I don't want to be desk-bound, I don't want to become another proletariat slave. And will I be able to continue doing what really makes me feel alive [the humble arts]? And now that the possibility seems to be looming just around the corner, in the suddenly-not-so-far distance, I'm breaking out in cold sweat.

I really, really wish I'd done well this time.

~~Sometimes, I wish I'd gone to JC instead and remained cocooned in my bubble of security for some more years [even into Uni]. The real world is not nice. Boo hoo.~~

---

And all you gotta do is suck it up and be happy. Kinda like being happy to remain in The Matrix.

Bikini Bottom

2006-09-25T01:23:00.000+08:00

Z: Why wouldn't you wear a bikini?
Me: It's just not me, okay.
Z: But why?
Me: Why wouldn't you wear a dress?
Z: What! That's not the same thing!
Me: Yes it is.
Z: But I'm a guy.
Me: No, you're just not a dress kind of guy. Just like I'm not a bikini kind of girl.
Z:...

2006-09-23T12:40:00.000+08:00

di.dac.tic

-adjective
1. intended for instruction; instructive: didactic poetry.
2. inclined to teach or lecture others too much: a boring, didactic speaker.
3. teaching or intending to teach a moral lesson.
4. didactics, (used with a singular verb) the art or science of teaching.

He makes me check dictionary.com.

Why I Can Never Become A Model

2006-09-23T11:31:00.000+08:00

Oh my. Shahdon uploaded the bit of fun we had with the Sketches stage up on YouTube. Phwoar!

2006-09-21T20:47:00.000+08:00

We Live in Singapura by Hossan Leong.

2006-09-21T20:26:00.000+08:00

EVERYBODY SHOULD WATCH SINGAPORE DREAMING BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE.

It's a horror movie for the soul. In a good way.

2006-09-13T15:58:00.000+08:00

"My sisters met Westlife and all I got was this lousy poster."

Pictures taken from MtvAsia.com.

2006-09-13T15:36:00.000+08:00

Dhaniah, your subconscious mind is most preoccupied with issues around your family life.

On a conscious level, you might already be aware that something is troubling you, or eating up a lot of time when it comes to your family relations. But it's also possible that family issues have been preoccupying your subconscious mind - leaving you with nothing more than a general sense that things just don't feel 100% right in your life though you can't quite figure out why.

You may feel slightly bothered by situations or relationships in your family, or you may find that your family just isn't fulfilling you in critical ways you desire. You also might find you spend a lot of time worrying, or thinking about your family members and their situations. You might feel that family issues take up a lot of your energy. Or maybe you're so frustrated with your situation that you avoid the topic all together.

Whichever feelings hold true, your test results indicate that right now, your subconscious mind is working overtime to resolve the issues confronting you in this area of your life - even if you don't feel aware of it.

-- Your Subconscious Self | What's Really on Your Mind?

Amg, 'tis so true. Maybe this explains the weird nightmares I've been having, ones I've been telling Zul about. They involve my cousin swallowing a bird which was actually a man and later puking him out with alot of other unmentionables, my witch stepmother cutting open her son because he was jealous of me, my not-so-holy uncle becoming a holy man, and my father and I as members of a cult-observing group, among others.

2006-09-13T15:27:00.000+08:00

Why is it that I can't say no? I just can't say no.

It's not even about being greedy. It's about me being such a people-pleaser that I can't say no even if I don't benefit [and maybe even lose] from what I've agreed to do.

I deserve to be hung with my grandma's pantyhose.

2006-09-13T01:57:00.001+08:00

I admit my fatal flaw. This is why I was born to be a writer, and not a journalist. A columnist, and not whatever you call someone who writes hard-hitting news articles. I am much too opinionated, and sometimes too strong in my opinion. Alas, my poor boyfriend gets the brunt of it. He confessed of his woe to me this evening, and I could do no more than apologise. To him, and to all of whom I may have offended in the course of what my cousin calls "hyper"activeness regarding my beliefs and what I want in life, I'm sorry!!! I didn't mean to! Really!

And yet, lately, people have kept coming to me for advice. I wonder if their ears fall off after hearing what I have to say about their issues. I realise that my brand of advice may not stomach well with some. The truth is, I find the truth comforting myself, especially when it's dealt without any hem-ing and haw-ing to it [synonyms also include "bluntness", "frankness" and "tactlessness"].

[Double standard!] Although, this is only when- I have to say- I'm seeking for it. So if I don't ask for your advice, pray don't tell it. But when you come to me for advice, expect me to! PS: Therefore, please don't tell me I've gained some weight and look poofier if I don't ask for your opinion, unless of course you're looking for some long bloody scratches all over.

I find I'm much better at dealing out advice than writing on actual world issues. At least in dealing out advice I'm looking at things from the perspective of the one I'm listening to, and at the same time from a bird's eye view. But when it comes to matters that concern my own values and beliefs, I'm horrendously one-sided. Even when I'm presenting what may look like the "other" side to the issue, there really is only one in my book. Mine. As a result, I have just about as much credibility as a sock when it comes to such things.

Upon reading Neil Humphrey's Notes from an even Smaller Island [courtesy of Zool!], I also found, in a nasty jarring slam-in-the-face kind of realisation, that I actually do have one of those much-dreaded [well at least to me], hard-to-cure, inbred, local diseases. No, not that one. The other one. Oh nevermind.

It's advanced, acute, latent KIASU-ISM. Don't be fooled by this seemingly laid-back, happy-go-lucky exterior my friends. I am a grossly greedy and ambitious monster all rolled up in a bite-sized package. Fear of being in second place. Fear of being disposable. Fear of not being "somebody" by the time I'm 25.

Damn woman, you need to chill.

Now excuse me while I sign up for one of those meditational getaways in some well-hidden monastery and reflect on my earthly flaws. Like The Beatles did.

Yeah, I wish.

Agent Pee Cries

2006-09-12T00:23:00.000+08:00

my msn can't get online too. i've been trying for the past hour.

hahaha i got quoted!

the only thing the weddings have in common is that both brides have godawful fugly wedding gowns. damn, i'd rather get married naked than wear those hideous contraptions.

2006-09-11T18:16:00.000+08:00

My not-so-secret top 5:

1. To be able to feel genuinely, purely, 100% happy for other people in their successes.
2. To be able to accept and love people with all of their flaws without needing or wanting them to change, unless they are hurting themselves and the people around them.
3. To be able to stand up for myself and recognise my own virtues as positive things and not negative ones, even when I'm made to feel inadequate.
4. To be able to improve the world and lend a hand, even in small ways.
5. To be able to love myself for who I am without needing to prove why I should be.

---

Ever find that the roads to success and happiness point in 2 different directions?

2006-09-11T18:02:00.000+08:00

Happy birthday love. I've missed you.

2006-09-11T17:49:00.000+08:00

My msn can't get online. Well sux to that then. I can't really be bothered to keep trying.

Definitively.

---

[de-fin-i-tive: having its fixed and final form; providing a solution or final answer; satisfying all criteria: the definitive treatment for an infection; a definitive answer to a dilemma.]

---

I had a nightmare. And the nightmare was of pretty things covered in lust. And I thought then that we could last forever. But it wasn't enough to hold us together. Like she said, you are whole, and I am broken, and so there would be no way for our pieces to fit because there's too much of you and too little of me.

But maybe she is wrong. Maybe broken things need the whole in order to learn to piece themselves back together. Maybe you aren't as whole as you pretend to be. Maybe I'm not as broken as I'd like to think.

Like to think? Why would I when I already think too much? And yet, and yet, I don't think I will ever be. Whole, that is.

2006-09-11T14:44:00.000+08:00

Man. Lea Salonga and Robert Chien had such a perfect, intimate wedding [despite it being extremely media-covered].

As opposed to media-mobbed, like a certain Datin Siti Nurhaliza's. The fake snow, the bouquet presentation, the pose at the end, all made for a wonderful press conference slash one-night-only concert. And check out the presenters.

---

It makes me feel all warm and girlish inside. It makes me wanna get marrriiiiiieeed!!!! *cries*

"I WANT TO GET MARRIED TOO!!!!

"DHANIAH!!!!!!!

"FIND ME A HUSBAND!!!!!!"

Oh sorry, did we freak you out.

2006-09-09T12:21:00.000+08:00

Love, love is a verb
Love is a doing word
Fearless on my breath
Gentle impulsion
Shakes me, makes me lighter
Fearless on my breath

Teardrop on the fire
Fearless on my breath

Nine night of matter
Black flowers blossom
Fearless on my breath
Black flowers blossom
Fearless on my breath

Teardrop on the fire
Fearless on my breath

Water is my eye
Most faithful mirror
Fearless on my breath
Teardrop on the fire of a confession
Fearless on my breath
Most faithful mirror
Fearless on my breath

Teardrop on the fire
Fearless on my breath

You're struggling in the dark
You're struggling in the dark

-- Teardrop, Elizabeth Fraser

2006-09-04T01:14:00.000+08:00

Yea all you holiday-ing people and such, come down and support us! It's 4 bucks per ticket- not a big price to pay at all for an arty experience in support of a good cause.

Agent Pee Replies

2006-09-02T12:33:00.000+08:00

aren't we already doing that now??

i think my breasts shrunk.

2006-09-01T13:49:00.000+08:00

Lol. I wonder if I'll be doing this with a friend in the future [eh PW? =D]

2006-08-30T17:01:00.000+08:00

Cleaning up my room today [FINALLY!!!!] has gotten me discovering a couple of treasures from as far back as when I was 15 years old.

Check out this article I'd written with a friend based on interviews from our own classmates in secondary school:

Liberal or Loose?

In a world of increasing liberalisation, what is right and wrong has become unclear and will continue to become more unclear if no action is taken. What used to be moral values are now regarded as traditional and old-fashioned and irrelevant to these times. According to our recent poll [hardeeharhar], most teenagers nowadays live life from day to day without a set of values and beliefs that they hold on to.

Recent findings [cehbedahhh] show that the teenagers of today are getting more freedom. Out of the twelve teenagers interviewed regarding this issue, eight of them received almost 100% freedom. Shireen, 16, said, "I have alot of freedom. As long as I call to inform my parents that I am going out and will be home late, they are fine with it. They don't impose any curfews on me". Germaine, 16, said, "My curfew is around 11pm but on special occasions, it can stretch all the way to 2am. Basically, I have alot of freedom". Teenagers as young as sixteen are getting that much of freedom to do anything that they want and be home anytime that they want to.

Parents of today's teenagers are less strict regarding boy-girl relationships and dating. They are more open-minded about it as compared to the older generations. Most of the interviewees said that their parents either do not talk about it or they are fine with it as long as their children do not do anything "funny". Twelve teenagers were asked on their opinion towards physical intimacy on a first date and six said that they are fine with it and would go "as far as possible". A 16-year-old who declined to be named said, "It's okay as long as it's a peck on the cheek or holding hands but nothing further".

Perhaps this lack of beliefs and values and exceeding amount of freedom are the factors for increasingly "liberal" and "open" attitudes towards relationships among teenagers.

Several teenage boys we interviewed revealed that they would have sex on a first date. When asked how this would affect their impression of their date, they said that they would think her a "slut" and probably break off with her afterwards. Others however, deemed the act "stupid" on a first date.

The media has been portraying pre-marital sex as something that is commonplace and not something to be made a big deal out of. As a result, those who do not conform are labelled "conservative" or "old-fashioned". This inadvertently exerts pressure especially on teenagers whom at their age are very curious about such issues. Pre-marital sex nowadays is not a big deal to the majority of teenagers, as our poll reveals.

"It's morally wrong, but it's wonderful to have it".

"Of course lah, I'm not going to be a virgin forever right?"

"I mean, if you don't want to get married, are you supposed to remain a virgin forever?"

These are some of the comments made by a few of the teenagers that we interviewed. However, there were others who commented that although the media influenced them alot on BGR or boy-girl relationships, they did not actually practise the things portrayed on-screen. A few others also deemed whatever portrayed on the media as too "unbelievable" and "fairy-tale like" and not good examples to follow by.

---

Seems like I was already heading for the media line then, wasn't I. What was I thinking!?

2006-08-30T00:46:00.000+08:00

Nessi would love this. Comedian Jon Stewart's anti-political stand. On a political show. =))

Oh, and of course, credit goes to Shila for finding this gem (just in case she makes any noise heh heh).

2006-08-29T12:37:00.000+08:00

Zul's friends like making human piles.

2006-08-29T11:51:00.000+08:00

It's been a long time coming, but here are the shots from Germ's birthday celebration this year!

We were supposed to wait for the birthday girl to arrive and surprise her, but we couldn't help starting on the food first ourselves, especially after we'd started BBQing. BWAHAHA.

There she is!!! "Hello guys...what a surprise. Eheh. Eheh." *Plasters smile* Haha but no, she was really surprised. I think.
It was only a small gathering with Sherrie, Shauna, Moi & Zul (on cam) as guests. Yu Ran ain't a guest cuz he got the whole shindig together. Well actually, his mom did.

Chomp.

Chomp.

Home-made fondue!!!

And of course, the cake!

And a slobbery kiss.

2006-08-29T00:25:00.000+08:00

Dwindling down to a withering dying thing.

---

Sometimes I wish I'd just take a break and not do anything for at least a week or something. My holiday's only 3 weeks long after a hectic semester, with attachment starting right after, and I've gotten myself involved in yet another theatre production. This time for the Yellow Ribbon Project under Shaiful's Yellow Chair Productions on the 16th and 17th of September (attachment's on the 18th). Well what can you do eh? I'm just doing what I love to do. I seem to have forgotten how to sit around doing nothing.

In fact just thinking about it makes me feel guilty. Tomorrow, for once and for all, I'm going to clear up and clean up the hazardous area that is my room! And! Get the EPs completed as much as I can before heading off for Hafiz's birthday thingy with the girls (Man & Nes). Although that's in the afternoon though so I don't know how much I can get done before I leave the house. Probably would have to do it after I get home. Hm.

Damn.

I wonder if I'll procrastinate.

Oh who am I kidding. Of course I'm going to! Sigh.

2006-08-28T18:49:00.000+08:00

Once again my template has gone bonkers.

Today's the first time in a long time that all the sisters are at home for the entire day. HENCE Pigging Out & TV Time!!! We watched Big Fish. I remember not liking the movie very much the first time I saw it. I think it had to do with the entire father-lying thing and how Edward Bloom used to tell stories that never happened, but now I think I kinda like them and he hadn't been completely lying anyways.

Anyhoohow, I'm kinda too dazed and lazy to type up more. I'm thinking of a certain Ben. And Jerry. And you know who you are. Later alligators!

2006-08-28T18:46:00.000+08:00

A knock, a note, a secret trail, a blue rose, a tub of Ben & Jerry's, and a kiss.

Forgiven, dear, forgiven. =)

---

"Did you guys hear anyone at the door earlier today?"

"Yeah! I heard someone knock, it was a guy. I was scared."

6 hours. 6.

But Why? 0_o

2006-08-27T17:00:00.000+08:00

It never fails to amaze me how Zul seems to have some kind of mojo that attracts the attention of girls. Perhaps because I have never felt it myself! I've always ended up guffawing and doubling over with laughter from the stories that he has told me about his past "conquests" (of course, we can always laugh about them now).

Then yesterday, I saw it with my own eyes. I was late to meet him because of my little shindig at Sentosa, and so he was waiting for me at the Esplanade library. When I got there, I found him sitting on one of those couches placed right beside the window facing the Esplanade outdoor theatre. He was reading a Rolling Stones mag. And on the couches around him sat 3 girls. The moment I arrived, the girls took one look at me and started whispering, and then when I plopped down next to him, they whispered even more.

I thought, "Hmmmm...what the heck is going on here."

Well then I guessed that they must have been checking him out. Further observation of their weird behaviour confirmed this as they kept glancing over at us as we were having a conversation (well, more like a little spat). They left after awhile.

Then Zul told me that they had been trying to make small talk with him ever since they'd sat down, asking him who he was waiting for, whether it was a boy or girl, etc.

And all he had to do was sit there and read.

0_o Zul's my Austin Powers. His mojo is well-hidden (!), but it works. LMAO. And I guess I must've been overpowered by it sometime or other, seeing that we're now attached and all.

So selenger...

2006-08-27T15:45:00.000+08:00

I have been rendered uncontactable via handphone ever since I dropped it into the waters of Sentosa beach yesterday.

Well apparently, my dad just told me today that the reason it's not working anymore isn't because of the water, but because of the salt crystals that have found their way into my handphone system. Because salt conducts electricity, see, making short circuits happen.

That was how I found myself soaking my handphone into yet more water in a basin, trying to clear up the salt. I then dried it with my best using a hair-dryer. And what do you know, when I tried turning it on again, the keypad worked! However it wasn't clean enough cuz the phone just kept vibrating non-stop so I soaked and shook it in more water again.

Currently it's hanging with the rest of the family's clean underwear. Hope it dries and works by tomorrow.

2006-08-24T13:39:00.000+08:00

Something is absolutely not right with my blog template and it's PISSING ME OFF!!!! YEAARRRGHHHHH.

Anyhoohow, I'm not going to bother with it anymore because everytime I fix one thing something else doesn't work and guhhh!!!!! -_-"

It's weird how I seem to think that I'm home alot more than I actually am, because I can't remember the last time I sat down and had dinner with my family. I miss them. They're here and I miss them.

I must pull myself out of frou-frou land at least for awhile so that I know what's going on in my own life.

But then again, now that I think about it, even if I were home early there'd be no parents at home to eat with anyway. Auntie Rose comes home around 10pm from work while my dad...my dad usually comes home around 7pm...ok...well...I could eat with him.

Asian families. Everything's centered around food. Even family bonds.

This post didn't come out exactly as I planned because I hadn't made any and YOUR DUCK ATE MY BANANA!!!

0_o

2006-08-24T12:04:00.000+08:00

'Twas bored.

YESSSS!!! I've achieved my life's dream to become a minah-camwhore.

WARNING: SPOILERS!!!

2006-08-24T11:03:00.000+08:00

Surprisingly, we found that we liked The Break-Up quite alot, even right up to the ending which some people found dissatisfying. I think the ending wasn't dissatisfying at all, but ended on a very hopeful note, especially with the song that started playing right then: "I can see clearly now the rain is gone."

I'm not sure if many people got that, but I surely did. It wasn't too blatant in getting its message across. Sometimes, when things get so bad they seem almost irreparable, you should take some time off to step away from the situation. And then when your mind's cleared and your soul's somewhat stabilized again, you'll realise your mistakes and how to fix them the next time you get the chance.

I liked that the movie didn't end in a typical, cliched way with the guy making a wonderful, heart-wrenching speech and the girl's heart melting, and the guy and girl kissing and hugging and floating off into the sunset. What happened instead was alot more realistic and more likely to happen down here on planet Earth.

And I think watching the movie didn't make Zul & I feel like breaking up at all. If anything, it only showed us on big-screen magnification the things that we shouldn't have done sometimes, and pointed us to what we should obviously have done instead.

2006-08-21T14:49:00.000+08:00

TADAH!!!

No more password. I figured it was pretty useless anyway since the only people that I'd probably want to keep out either 1. know how to hack through 2. know my password already.

Oh hey...

2006-08-21T14:13:00.000+08:00

"By the looks of the number of hits this site has been getting, I appear to be talking to quite a few people. It's probably time I started typing about something interesting. Then again, most of the time when people say, "That's interesting." it means that they zoned out while you were talking and have no idea what you just said. They were either thinking about something completely different, or planning what they were gonna say when you finished. I guess we all do that. Try looking people in the eye and really listening to them; it's challenging. Someone once told me that if you want to be interesting, be interested. (That is to say; genuinely interested in what other people have to say.)"

Ditto, Zack Braff.

2006-08-21T13:50:00.000+08:00

At a loss at what to do about the band. Give up, maybe? Starting anew makes me- us- want to.

Or maybe we should wait. And wait some more. Haha, like in The Lakehouse. Which we just watched yesterday, by the way. We were going to watch The Break Up, but the timing was too late (or so he said) =P. Before we bought tickets we bumped into a friend (PW's friend Michelle actually!) and her boyfriend Nity (I think that's how you spell it), and he told Zul that he better buy me flowers or something before we enter the cinema if we're watching that movie, because alot of bitter feelings and resentment are going to resurface, especially if the 2 of us have been fighting alot.

Sounds like a relationship's nightmare of a movie, don't it. Anyhoo, since we didn't watch it yesterday, to prove that he wasn't really afraid of what Nity had said, we're going to watch it today.

Or maybe not, since I have an exam early tomorrow and I still haven't been able to bring myself to study.

2006-08-20T04:23:00.000+08:00

Kiko likes fishfood and drinks water from the fishtank. I used to think she wanted to be human, but now I think she secretly wants to be a fish.

House Party

2006-08-20T03:23:00.000+08:00

Should I be bugged by the fact that I'm still not asleep?

I think that maybe I'm so used to not sleeping early that even when the opportunity arises I can't bring myself to.

I was thinking about how I have such a diverse and wide variety of close-knit friends, most of whom aren't even aware of each others' existence, and whether that means that I don't really have any close-knit friends at all.

But that can't be true. Because I know that these friends aren't the fair-weather kind. And maybe I don't have a constant group of friends that I depend on all of the time because my lifestyle and my constant activities don't enable me to. So I make friends wherever I go, and I am closest to whomsoever is with me at any particular point in my life. Perhaps because I am the same, because of my constant activities.

Does that mean that I am flighty? Does that mean that I am shallow or superficial? Does having a constant group of friends to turn to at all times make a person a good and more trustworthy companion to have? Beats me.

Still, at most times I find myself alone because of these same reasons, and I do miss all of you.

2006-08-20T02:21:00.000+08:00

ListenListenListenListenListenListenListen. Is that so hard?

I really think that the value of listening has been seriously underrated. And when I say listening to someone, I mean really listening and putting yourself in the shoes of the person talking to you without already preparing the story of your own life in the context of what the person is talking about, or pre-judging what the person is trying to say.

Because really, the person who's confiding in you doesn't want to know more about you, he or she wants to know that there's someone there as a willing ear for his or her problems or fears. He or she doesn't need to know how there was one time when you had faced the same problem, except maybe slightly worse, and how you had overcome it and blah blah blah...

Save it. This ain't a competition of whose-story-is-more-impressively-sad. More importantly, the person isn't you, so there is no point in trying to solve his or her problems or see them from your point of view.

Here's where a quote from Fight Club rings poignantly true:

Narrator: When people think you're dying, man...they really, really listen to you, instead of just...
Marla Singer: Instead of just waiting for their turn to speak.

So do we really have to be dying in order for someone to just listen to us properly? Do we have to fake an illness in order for someone to sit up and pay attention to what we're saying?

Or could we maybe just listen to each other for once?

2006-08-20T02:01:00.000+08:00

Watch this video commentary of the Singapore media created by Nessi and friends. PS: My back is famous. Lol.

2006-08-19T13:34:00.000+08:00

Gadisku dalam koma
Seriuskah keadaannya
(Forgets lyrics here)
Seriuskah situasinya

(Wrong chord here) Maafkanlah
Diri ini
Jika pernah
(Wrong chord again) "Salahlah...!!!" silap denganmu

Ku berikrar
Jaga dikau
Moga kau pulih segera

Gadisku dalam koma
Seriuskah keadaannya
Gadisku dalam koma
Seriuskah situasinya

Maafkanlah (maafkanlah)
Diri ini
Jika pernah
Salah dan silap denganmu

Ku berdoa
Ke atasNya
Moga kau pulih segera

Gadisku dalam koma
Seriuskah keadaannya
Gadisku dalam koma
Seriuskah situasinya

-- Gadisku Dalam Koma, The Times

2006-08-19T13:27:00.000+08:00

Yesterday was bittersweet. At first we weren't even sure if we wanted to go through with it. But we did. And for whatever it was worth, people in the crowd still clapped to Love in the 60s.

The Times was awesome despite- and maybe even because of!- forgetting lyrics and trying to sing Bizarre Love Triangle which hilariously didn't work out. I'm not usually into Malay bands for whatever ingrained reason, but I've uploaded their bootleg recording (on my mp4, no less) onto the blog.

2006-08-16T15:53:00.000+08:00

2006-08-16T15:46:00.000+08:00

My Writes is on JUNK!!! Thanks for the heads-up, Man =).

2006-08-13T23:11:00.000+08:00

Okay, enough theatrics people.

2006-08-12T01:46:00.000+08:00

Angst is born of Man's will to break away from the bonds of responsibility, of society, of humanity.

---

I could be the Tempest, the Priestess and the Virgin all in just one moment.

I underestimate myself. But so do you. You say that I am better than you, that you idolise me, that you can offer me nothing. But you're wrong. You are my steady rock in the storm of my insecurities, you guide me in my jumbled thoughts and ideas, you support my infatuations, you give me the recognition that I never knew I so needed in order to feel worthy of the world, and you never let the intimidation of all my passions overwhelm your motivation for me.

I don't want to let go, but I cannot get past the one thing that blinds us both and makes me forget these truths. So we'll let this storm pass, and we'll see. I hope things will be different somehow, in a good way. I hope.

2006-08-10T21:56:00.000+08:00

Turn out the light
Just say goodnight to yourself
May I remind you
When you find you're all alone is when you
You've got to be strong
That's when they call you, in the night
He's got your picture in his mind
He's got your number on a paper at his disposal anytime

Is it really true?
Could you save yourself for someone who
could love you for you?
So many times we just give it away, to someone who
Someone who

You met in a bar,
The back of a car
And for a moment you felt important
but not in your heart
'Cause my self-esteem, it's been low
Go ahead and count, it's been lower than low
I know the feeling of it stealing life out from under me

Cause I wanna learn how you save yourself
For someone who, loves you for you?
So many times we just give it away
To someone who, couldn't even remember your name
Could you save yourself
For someone who, loves you for you,
Loves me for me
Give it away to someone who
Someone who will cherish your name
Cherish your name

-- Save Yourself, Sense Field

2006-08-10T14:12:00.000+08:00

When I have a child, I will feed him or her with books by Enid Blyton, Roald Dahl and Donna Jo Napoli. But first and foremost, I'll start with The Little Prince by Antoine De Saint-Exupery. Because everyone knows that children's books are simply the telling of grown-up messages in the manner of sweet tales, in order to make some bittersweet truths easier to swallow down and not completely traumatise the young. That's why they make so much sense even after you've grown up. And The Little Prince to me makes the most sense by far. If my child grows up to be anything like me, I'll make sure he or she grows up prepared.

---

Excerpts from The Little Prince:

"Good morning," said the roses.

The little prince gazed at them. All of them looked like his flower.

"Who are you?" he asked, astonished.

"We're roses," the roses said.

"Ah!" said the little prince.

And he felt very unhappy. His flower had told him that she was the only one of her kind in the whole universe. And here were five thousand of them, all just alike, in just one garden!

She would be very annoyed, he said to himself, if she saw this... She would cough terribly and pretend to be dying, to avoid being laughed at. And I'd have to pretend to be nursing her; otherwise, she'd really let herself die in order to humiliate me.

And then he said to himself, I thought I was rich because I had just one flower, and all I own is an ordinary rose. That and my three volcanoes, which come up to my knee, one of which may be permanently extinct. It doesn't make me much of a prince... And he lay down in the grass and wept.

---

The little prince went to look at the roses again.

"You're not at all like my rose. You're nothing at all yet," he told them. "No one has tamed you and you haven't tamed anyone. You're the way my fox was. He was just a fox like a hundred thousand others. But I've made him my friend, and now he's the only fox in all the world."

And the roses were humbled.

"You're lovely, but you're empty," he went on. "One couldn't die for you. Of course, an ordinary passerby would think my rose looked just like you. But my rose, all on her own, is more important than all of you together, since she's the one I've watered. Since she's the one I put under glass. Since she's the one I sheltered behind a screen. Since she's the one for whom I killed the caterpillars (except the two or three for butterflies). Since she's the one I listened to when she complained, or when she boasted, or even sometimes when she said nothing at all. Since she's my rose."

2006-08-09T23:47:00.000+08:00

I've blogged 5 posts already today but what the heck. Here's another one for old times' sake.

Today's probably the loneliest day that I've had in a long time, and I thought that I'd already forgotten how that felt like. It's partly my own doing, I admit, but I'm really tired of talking. Talking leads to having to explain, and I don't feel at this moment like explaining to people who I am. I wish that people could just know. Wouldn't that be nice?

The Rents were having a huge row just now. Practically screaming at each other the way I do sometimes with him. I hate that. Why do people scream at each other when they can talk in logical and complete sentences? Anyway Dad just told me that it was because of me.

Mememe. See, don't blame me for feeling so self-important. Lol.

Thus leading to another Confession of the Day. Here. I don't know if it makes me feel any better but at least it makes me feel less alone, even if no one's reading this yet.

2006-08-09T23:06:00.000+08:00

MY DAD HAS A BLOG TOO NOW. BWAHAHAHAHA.

2006-08-09T17:57:00.000+08:00

Goodness me. My little sister Doraemon has a blog. With a nice template and a tagboard and everything.

I only found out because I pretended to know that she had one. I didn't think that she'd actually have one.

Sniff. They grow up so fast. One day I might even -gasp- stop calling her Doraemon...

2006-08-09T17:01:00.000+08:00

"Eh thx ah yest. Sorry 4 being so whiny."

Okay, I feel a little better now.

2006-08-09T15:18:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I read about people in the newspaper who've killed themselves for some reason or another, and I think: "I wonder if he/she had any friends." And then my next thought would be: "Wow I wonder how that friend feels right now."

I have this innate desire to want to be there for anyone who needs me, and it makes me feel really down when I don't happen to be around when shit happens to the people I care about. I'd be willing to ditch just about anything that I'm doing at the moment to make sure that the person is okay.

But it sucks to the people or things that I'm ditching at the moment. So yesterday despite my juggling I wasn't doing good to the person I was ditching or the person I was ditching for. And that made me miserable. It made me even more miserable that no one understood my good intentions, and put my actions down to selfishness and ungratefulness.

Thanks, thanks alot for thinking so much of me. I'm done with the world and people right now. I'm going to retreat to lala land.

2006-08-09T15:03:00.000+08:00

How is it that you have the capacity to make me feel so evil, and then make me feel even more so when I get mad at you for making me feel this way?

An apology is like swallowing razor blades.

2006-08-08T19:51:00.000+08:00

It's the last week of school and all of a sudden I feel all sentimental.

It suddenly hit me just how much I'm going to miss some people. The 3 years we spent in Mass Comm doing so much shit, rushing for deadlines, typing away on sleepless nights, have only made their friendship all the sweeter. Somehow I hope that these people will never, ever fade out of my life, that we will once in a while send random messages to each other, have lunches, and basically catch up even after graduation. Even after some of them have become presenters, deejays, or big-shot what-have-yous in some multinational corporation.

Hey if I can keep in touch with my primary schoolies even after all these years, why not eh?

I LOVE ALL YOU PEOPLE WEEHHHHHHH...!!!!!!!!!!!! *SOBS* =(

---

And I love you, you know who you are, for keeping me grounded and stable despite my constant mood swings and irrational behaviour at times. And I won't give up without a fight (beeg beeg ones sometimes). My life and mind have become so much more focused and I've been able to work so much better and with (surprising!) ease, and I can't remember the last time I've felt this way. Let's just say that it's been a long time.

That's not to say that you don't behave irrationally at all yourself, but- I guess what I'm trying to say is...thank you. 5 days to 5 =)). Wow.

2006-08-08T19:02:00.000+08:00

"The myth of a romantic love with the same individual is a lie. Romance is a passing phase. All soulmates become ordinary spouses after some time. Its substitute is another partner, bottle, pill or a needle.

"The essence of women who fall in the category of consolation prizes is - virginity before marriage and fidelity afterwards. They are the marrying kind and staying married kind. Their lives are prosaic and loveless. They are lonely souls with tired, used and fatigued bodies. They are generally saddled with unimaginative, crude husbands and stillwater environment. Loneliness and neglect is the common glue. Most of the Indian women fall in this category. An Indian husband wants his relationship with his wife like between man and God - from the heart but fearful. Indian male is timid and is a poor lover. He is primarily a mama's boy who is generally uneasy with his body. "

-- Prizes, Surprises & Consolation Prizes by V.K. Kapoor

Strong words, eh.

I'm quite confused about the whole notion of soulmates. Which explains why I was Googling the Web today for some answers. Hahaha. Because you can find the answer to anything on the Web, right. What I was looking for was some confirmation that soulmates didn't exist, and move on.

Well this kinda helped.

I guess you can find the answer to anything on the Web.

2006-08-03T12:52:00.000+08:00

When you feel like shit, blog.

---

There's a kind of comforting feeling that comes from blogging. Kind of like when you write a diary, but even more comforting in way because there's the chance that someone out there reading your entries could be feeling, or could have felt, just the way you do when you put down your thoughts and feelings.

But in the case that they don't, I still have my diary.

2006-07-30T17:18:00.000+08:00

I'm counting back
The number of the steps
It took for me to get
Back on the wagon of the weekend

I'll use the auto-timer to prove that
I'll get home with my imagination
If they find the body in the basement
"In the very house that she was raised in!"

I'm taking down
The number of The Times
So when we get the sign
From God I'll be the first to call them

I'm taking back the number of the beast
Cause 6 is not a pretty number
8 or 3 are definitely better
'A' is for the address on the letter
To my alcoholic friends

I'm trying hard
Not to be ashamed
Not to know the name
Of who is waking up beside me
Or the date, the season or the city
But at least the ceiling's very pretty
And if you are holding it against me

I'll be on my best behavior
Taking shots for mother nature
Once my fist is in the cupboard
Love is never falling over

Should I choose a noble occupation
If I did I'd only show up late and sick
And they would stare at me with hatred
Plus my only natural talent's wasted
on my alcoholic friends
My alcoholic friends

-- My Alcoholic Friends, The Dresden Dolls

2006-07-30T16:09:00.000+08:00

I've suddenly realised that I've needed guidance too.

---

Methinks I should stop going home late from now on. Because when I do after a few days, the Cadet Inspector gets sent in (that's my grandma for you). CI checks through all our stuff and shakes her head at the horrible war-torn state of our rooms, looks for banned substances, and afterwards gives her pep-talk. Well except today she missed out the last bit.

During my breakfast- somewhere in the afternoon- my dad gave me the condition that I'd have to employ a maid for the house a year after I've started working. In a year after working I'd (better) be earning more than 1k a month, and almost half of that will then go to paying the maid's fee. Isn't that simply peachy.

It'll probably take me another 5 years before I can actually earn enough to rent an apartment on my own (which my dad has already somewhat agreed to, wahh).

But then again, they say that if you didn't have to work for it, you probably don't deserve it anyway.

2006-07-22T01:06:00.000+08:00

How in the world have my recent posts gotten so cryptic? And for such a long period?

I mean, this is worse than usual, which has gotta say something.

Truth is, I don't feel like saying what I think on my own blog anymore, which is kinda sad, come to think of it. I wouldn't want updating to become some kind of a chore. I suppose I just haven't had the time to sit down and crack my skull for something truly insightful and worth saying. And since I haven't been updating on my life so far even, I don't even know what you guys get out of reading what I post (that is, if any of you are even reading anymore).

'Modotti' is a nice name, innit? The way it rolls around on your tongue.

Anyway where was I.

Oh yeah. I can't wait for this Saturday. I WANT TO LET MY HAIR DOWN!!! Not that there's much of it at the moment but you know what I mean. If you don't, stick a poker into your cracker. I don't know if that makes any sense but I don't care. Oh boy I am going nuts.

I need sleeeeep.

But I can't sleeeeep.

Zool & I watched Mistress of Spices today. What a fuckin waste of $9.50x2, 19 whole buckeroos in total. Out of 5 stars, I'd give the movie an entire half-star, and that's being lenient. The plot was promising but the execution was whacked, and the treatment was so horrendous that people were laughing at the crying scenes.

I must say though, it's been some time since I've laughed like that at the movies. In between red chillies "speaking" to Aishwarya Rai's character Tilo, to the love-interest's (Dylan McDermott- wtf darling, are you behind in paying your bills or something?) painfully corny lines, to the blatant pro-India messages (Bollywood-Hollywood marketing ploy, anyone?), to the extensive slathers of unnecessary thought-narrations, it would've been more successful as an episode of Scrubs. Or at least labelled Comedy.

The trailer fooled us all.

Once I Was in Africa

2006-07-22T00:56:00.000+08:00

I like this picture the best. Wirna's stoned, I'm oblivious, and the ostrich's confused.

Yeah don't ask.

2006-07-22T00:41:00.000+08:00

I love how you solve all my non-existent problems.

OnedayIwillknowwhatIwant.
OnedayIwillknowwhatIwant.
OnedayIwillknowwhatIwant.
OnedayIwillknowwhatIwant.
Onedaytherewillbenoconditions.
Onedaytherewillbenoconditions.
Onedaytherewillbenoconditions.
Onedaytherewillbenoconditions.
OnedayIwillstopwantingmorethanIshould.
OnedayIwillstopwantingmorethanIshould.
OnedayIwillstopwantingmorethanIshould.
OnedayIwillstopwantingmorethanIshould.
OnedayIwillstopwantingmorethanIshould.
OnedayIwillpray.
OnedayIwillpray.
OnedayIwillpray.
OnedayIwillpray.
OnedayIwillpray.
OnedayIwon'tsaygoodbye.
OnedayIwon'tsaygoodbye.
OnedayIwon'tsaygoodbye.
OnedayIwon'tsaygoodbye.
OnedayIwon'tsaygoodbye.
OnedayIwillceasetolie.
OnedayIwillceasetolie.
OnedayIwillceasetolie.
OnedayIwillceasetolie.
OnedayIwillceasetolie.

I love how you solve all my non-existent problems.